


In the Meantime in Pernambuco

by softwinds



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Getting Together, I am AGAIN attempting, M/M, Nandor's fictional childhood, Post-Season/Series 02, bringing you the most chaotic energy, some terrible horrible rapula lyrics that put the socks back on your feet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26586367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softwinds/pseuds/softwinds
Summary: “Young man,” Nandor’s mom gasps and sits up lissomely. “You— you are a lover of my son? You share the same bed with my boy?”“Affirmative, ma’am.” Colin Robinson settles down at the other end of the sofa. “I’m his main squeeze, he’s my paramour. Oh, me and Nandor, how we have thehotsfor each other.”-Nandor's mom comes back from the grave and demands to see his alleged 37 consorts. Guillermo is tasked to find them. Staring the Staten Island gang and more.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless
Comments: 4
Kudos: 84





	In the Meantime in Pernambuco

**Author's Note:**

> Hey hey! Back from a tiny hiatus and immediately posting the most chaotic slash silly thing I've ever written. This is part of the "cape" challenge as well! Author also has a thing for Mr. 50s and it shows.
> 
> Shout out to [chelsfic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelsfic) for reading it and giving suggestions (so so grateful). An extremely important line in this fic is provided by [uv_duv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/uv_duv). 
> 
> tw graphic descriptions of possession

“My mother was a very respected and feared woman in our village,” Nandor smiles stiffly into the camera, leaning forward in his loveseats. “I had six brothers at that time. I was the youngest, born with very frail arms and fingers like tiny tree branches, completely useless before I reached three. She fought very hard for us to survive— she would fight chicken, goats, foxes, our neighbors too, if they tried to steal the foxes. 

“She passed away when I was eleven years old. It was a very sad day for me, going home after a couple of drinks with my work friends, finding all my brothers missing, some hyenas wearing my mother as neckerchiefs. 

“I joined the army and moved away afterwards. It was just too much heartbreak. Her biggest dream was for me to have a big, happy family on my own, and I— _Shit fucking hell._ ” 

He drops the smile abruptly, shoulders shaking like a china cabinet during Level Four earthquakes. “Okay, the damn thing is happening again, someone come and hold my— ”

Before Nandor can finish the sentence, his neck suddenly snaps back at a blunt angle as if someone’s pulling his hair. His jaw wrenches open, eyes glowing blue. The hem of his thick, pebble colored pelt cape floats eerily into midair and starts twirling around in an almost lifelike manner.

The expression on his face completely changes when he jerks back. 

“ _Hello children._ ” The vampire greets _._ “ _I have never seen you here! How exciting. Now, which one of you_ ,” He tilts his head to the side and pouts into the camera, voice soft and thin but filled to the top with matronly puissance. “ _Which one of you is my son’s wife?_ ”

-

It’s not Guillermo’s fault. Well, he might be partially responsible, but it’s not _all_ his fault. 

“Of course Nandor had families before.” Guillermo admits. “I know he had a huge one. I mean, he got it figured out, right? Big burly dude, good beard, ruler of the kingdom… You get the drift.”

He pauses.

“To my defense, it was a good-looking cape.” 

Guillermo looks down and shrugs. He’s frantically polishing a long, engraved shamshir. The blade is already blindingly shiny, but the rug in his fingers just keeps on scouring. He continues, ignoring the heaps and fountains of swearings echoing in the room. “Had no idea it was cursed.”

Guillermo extends his gaze towards somewhere beyond the frame. By the window, a struggling Nandor is slipping and stomping, desperately trying to untie the knots that secure the cursed, now animated piece of pelt onto his shoulders despite being repeatedly slapped in the face. 

“Yeah, he’s ok.” Guillermo halts for a beat, responding to a muffled question from somewhere behind the camera. “He’s just being possessed.”

When Guillermo pulled that cape out under a pile of laundry— not his duty anymore, by the way, just helping the vampires out— there was this tiny little voice tingling in his head. _Are you Nandor’s wife_ ? It asked. _What a weird, chauvinistic identity crisis._ Guillermo esteemed then. He’s definitely _not_ Nandor’s wife, they’re only— well, something. 

The guy had more than enough wives already. 

_Exactly_ _how many does he have_? The voice followed his trail of thoughts. So he hummed: thirty-seven. That’s so absurd, am I right? Ridiculous man and his ridiculous harem. 

It was an honest answer. 

Evidently, one like him is never supposed to acknowledge, interact with or give frank, specific answers to the voices in your head. He should have said three. Or zero.

“Mrs. the Relentless?”

The battle between Nandor and his cape concludes as the latter snakes around its owner’s head and upper torso resembling a broken umbrella during derechos. The vampire grumbles from beneath the fabric and eventually gives in, letting the artifact take over.

“How long do you think— how long do you think your visit will last?” Guillermo cautions. 

“ _I’ll stay to meet all the consorts, Guillermo._ ” Nandor’s face is marked by a rare benevolence. The vampire sing-songs and lovingly maps down his own linea alba. “ _Has my son been eating well? It must be hard providing for such a big family._ ”

“Yeah, of course.” Guillermo smiles faintly into the camera, making no effort to secrete his slow, _my-life-is-in-shambles-and-I-did-It-to-myself_ blinks. “I’ll gather them up in a bit.”

-

To the astonishment of no one, Colin Robinson is the first one to volunteer. 

“It’s not for feeding, really.” The energy vampire explains as he grins uncontrollably from ear to ear. “I always support my friends, especially in a difficult situation like this. Adding on to that, I’m technically really good with parents. Catch me at nursing homes every Saturday putting grandmas to sleep— everybody loves me. They call me the _Nightmare Before Chair-Chi Class_.”

It’s not easy finding thirty-seven gentle souls who would at least make an effort pretending to be Nandor’s life partners. Since Guillermo’s no longer a familiar and therefore unburdened with the task of taking innocent human lives, he prefers not to dip his toe in that muddy pond of water again. So, the options of candidates are fairly limited. 

“I am not having Colin Robinson pretending to be my wife! Or husband. Or boyfriend,” Nandor hisses, struggling to open the library room door. “I would never, _ever_ make love to a man with that little hair on the top of his head!”

“You’d prefer me in a wig? I have a Jared Leto as the Joker in _Suicide Squad_ (2016) Halloween costume that I pull off pretty well.” Colin Robinson offers. “It really gets people _going_.”

Guillermo exhales deeply until he’s vacuumed inside, toiling to find his inner peace.

“The door’s locked. Please stop trying to set it on fire.” He shushes. “Listen, we need to just get it over with. I can’t have your mom living with these people all the time. I told her that you had a healthy and fulfilling family life, and I do not want to hurt her feelings.”

“No offense taken.” Colin Robinson shrugs. 

“Well then. Shall we begin?”

Guillermo points his chin at Nandor, waiting for an answer. Eventually he sighs and gives an unwilling nod, raising his gaze up like a valiant martyr. 

“Knock knock, Mrs. the Relentless?”

“Fuck,” Nandor shudders and hitches up his chest abruptly, grimacing like he’s swallowsung something bitter. In between the brief seconds when neither would is controlling his body, the cursed cape yanks him backwards into their corner couch and tucks itself gently underneath the back of his skull.

His eyelids slowly slip open. 

“Hi, Mrs. the Relentless.” Guillermo waves politely. “Are you ready to meet one of Nandor’s husbands?”

The vampire swings her head up and searches around the room. When Colin Robinson leans into her sight, the ghost behind Nandor’s eyes leers at him with undiluted wonder like a seven-year-old 90s child of the working class finally getting their first furby on a magical Christmas morning.

“ _Young man,_ ” Nandor’s mom gasps and sits up lissomely. “ _You— you are a lover of my son? You share the same bed with my boy?_ ”

“Affirmative, ma’am.” Colin Robinson settles down at the other end of the sofa. “I’m his main squeeze, he’s my paramour. Oh, me and Nandor, how we have the _hots_ for each other.”

Mrs. the Relentless reaches out for Colin’s hand, to which he generously obliges. 

“ _Oh yes, I can sense it. There are strong emotions swirling in my son’s body, instigated by you… and it often happens in the early morning. It’s almost like he’s— agitated, it is as if—”_

“—it’s passion.” Colin Robinson interrupts with overflowing confidence. “I have an extremely physical relationship with your son.”

Nandor’s upper body turns towards Guillermo, glancing curiously as if to request for some further personal input. 

“They uh,” Guillermo gulps, feeling a part of him guttering away as he surrenders to this new narrative. “They do it a lot. Pardon my language.”

“ _That is alright, Guillermo. You can say it._ ” The vampire’s lips flatten before turning up at a tightly forced angle. “ _It is nice that he’s getting the affection. I raised many children all by myself, so it was difficult— Ah, let’s not talk about that._ ” Nandor’s hands retreat back against his side. “ _What is your name again, bald boy who does sex stuff with my son?”_

“My name is Colin Robinson. You can call me C-man. It’s a nice pet name thing my buddy men always use on me. It’s just more intimate.”

“ _C-man_ .” Nandor’s mom echoes the shameless lie. “ _I like it. Now, how did you meet my son? Did he ask for your hand in marriage, or was it the other way around?_ ”

Colin Robinson smiles ravenously, his pupils already beginning to glow. The air in the room suddenly becomes colder as a shiver runs up Guillermo’s spine.

“Hah! That’s a long story—” He begins. “It all goes back to 1971, when I left my stenographer job before jumping in the big money business as a shipping and receiving manager for the Hartford Fire Insurance Company, which unfortunately dissolved in 1972.” Guillermo feels his knees getting weaker. Nandor’s chin dips rhythmically, the temporary owner of his body now dozing off into oblivion. “It was the same year when Baltimore Colts, now known as Indianapolis Colts, defeated the Dallas Cowboys with sixteen to thirteen points at the Orange Bowl, suitably held in Miami, Florida, this becoming the first winner of modern-era NFL championship games. Boy, how I liked talking about sports…”

-

Guillermo initially questions why Nandor’s mother, who walked the earth on shores of Caspian Sea for such a short period of time by the end of the 13th century, has an understanding of modern English. The only answer she would give is that she “learned it at the Time-Out Arcades”. When Guillermo, channeling his 14 year old Catholic former-self, gathers up the courage and asks her where people actually go after death, her only reply is that they are “likely at the Time-Out Arcades”. Therefore, Guillermo decides to stop pondering.

However, once or twice he still catches himself thinking— What did Nandor’s mom actually look like? 

She must have been a resilient woman. Maybe she was on the slender side, with a tightly built frame and nimble limbs, sharp enough to catch stream fish with her bare hands. Or maybe she was tall, strong and broad-shouldered, capable of craning her children up with one arm easier than handling young cockerels. Mrs. the Relentless, or Mama Nandor, which she seems to prefer— how much did she resemble her son? Does that stern but often melancholy gaze run in their family, or is it something one is bound to pick up after years and years of wandering alone? 

“I say she was a witch,” Nadja gestures enthusiastically in front of her chest as if she’s casting a spell. “ _Oh my, Look at me, my son is Mister Not-Getting-Any! Now I am coming back to life, and I’m prying other people’s husbands out from their smushy little hands into his dusty, empty, uninhabited, horny coffin!_ Isn’t it obvious? Typical witch behavior. Absolutely unbelievable.”

“Now now, my darling,” Laszlo coos, pulling his wife’s wrist down into his lap. “No need getting all puffing-billy over someone else’s mother. All we got to do is go in there, put on a show, having a fill for the old lady and all. Doing the devil’s work as I see it.”

Nadja rolls up her eyes, ostensively rasped.

“Close your donkey mouth— This is _exactly_ the problem with men. Everytime there is a random, bony-tailed hag and their actual lawful wife, they just completely lose their minds. Bending over backwards to smooch the old crone’s buttcheeks.” She frizzles.

Laszlo opens his mouth but decides not to chime back at the last second, thanks to his timely wise judgement. He raises both shoulders and shrugs.

“Gizmo?” Yells the wife, the bridge of her nose wrinkled. “Get the old harpy ready—”

“— Be a dear and fetch that handsome hat of mine too, my champ—”

Nadja lets out an agonized groan as Guillermo shakes his head, attempting to flash Laszlo a dour face. He pulls the library room door open and instinctively takes a small bow for an overly attentive greeting.

Wearing his cape like a graceful Kashmiri shawls, the body of Nandor strolls in. His eyes glance across the room and land on Laszlo’s right hand, which is firmly covering Nadja’s left one— Guillermo clears his throat. Despite his effort, the vampire couple is way too oblivious to notice anything.

“Welcome to our humble home, _madam-who-had-birthed-my-beloved-husband_ ,” Laszlo winks at Guillermo cheekily after flaunting his own quick wits. “Let me introduce myself. My name is Laszlo. Laszlo Cravensworth, if you need the whole thing. I’d be more than happy to give you fine kind lady a quick house tour if you’d enjoy that— only during the night times, of course. We get quite busy during church hours jogging up the errands.”

Guillermo sighs.

“ _Thank you, Laszlo Cravensworth. That is very hospitable of you._ ” Nandor’s mom hesitates. “ _And this is?_ ”

“I am Nadja.” The vampiress extends her arm. “And I’m one of Nandor’s— wives. His best one. I am a precious, delicate flower petal in his harem of stinky sands pile, yes.”

“ _And you two are—_ ”

“We are also involved with each other,” Nadja flips their adjoined hands over and crosses their fingers together to assert dominion. “Nandor recruited us both at the same time. He was very insatiable.”

“True, Nadja and I were raked-fore-and-aft, two peas in a pod, couldn’t leave each other’s side.” Laszlo nods with a certain degree of sincerity as the skin on Nandor’s nose bridge twitches slightly. “We met our lover boy in an old spit-and-sawdust Folly Beach tavern. He was being a big old bore at first, a regular _Black-silk Barge_ if you will, so hoisted him up by the ankles and showed him a damn good time—” He closes his eyes and sways his head fondly. “Do you remember it, Nadja? When we did the Boogie Woogie, the Madison and that young strapping bartender together within merely fifteen minutes?”

Nadja chuckles. Guillermo can’t tell if they’re still paltering for fun and laugh or it’s the truth bleeding in. 

“Yes, of course. Nandor was a very sad boy that night. Crying tears of blood, wearing his dirty sea pirate clothes—”

“— he had that neckerchief in his hand too,” Laszlo adds. “The red one. Said it was from his old man pal, lost bruising the water. I knew forthwith that he wasn't just telling some cock-and-ball story. He still wears the thing every time Gizmo leaves him. Makes the same face too.”

Nandor’s mom wrinkles her brows. Like a teenager doing linear algebra for the first time, Guillermo feels an immediate wave of muddle and mortification washing over his skin. Nandor was... a pirate? He had a breakup outfit— and he wears it for him?

“When I leave him, uh,” he stammers.“To do laundry. That’s what Laszlo means. I do it twice a month.”

Though not completely convinced, Mama Nandor seems to decide that it’d be better if they move on. 

“ _Tell me more about yourselves._ ” The vampire’s voice softens as Laszlo's face practically lights up by anticipation. “ _What do you two like to do? Any craft you enjoy doing? Any hobbies_?”

-

After appreciating Laszlo’s vulva garden and declining the offer of walking down the memory lane and sketching a self-portrait to be his next muse, Mama Nandor pulls the vampire couple aside and mumbles something secretive. She doesn’t return until Guillermo has wandered back alone and picked up _The Merciless_ by Danielle Vega.

“ _Guillermo_ ?” She crinkles her eyes and unknowingly flashes Nandor’s sharp teeth. “ _You can call me Vahide. You are a very good child_.”

She extends her son’s arms, squeezing Guillermo in fully and decisively, pushing the tip of his nose into Nandor’s wide shoulder before grating against his argan oiled beard. It’s technically Guillermo’s first hug facing the vampire’s chest— and it’s somewhat less ceremonial than he’d expected. Although, in all honesty, he doesn’t know what he actually expects. What he does know is that all his bones are jigging and humming.

He sighs. “Thank you, Mama Vahide.” The lady pats on his back somewhat knowingly, either for encouragement or solace, while the strain in his fingers are readily ignored as they clench into Nandor’s back.

-

Guillermo knows he’ll have to enlist the help of others— those who owed him one or two favors, to be concise. Thanks to his former Man Milk business, Lilith agrees to set up a live stream for Satchel Serafina during their weekly Pilates class in exchange for some discounted goods, dedicating to their _Beloved Mother-in-Law_. A selected few who have known him as GuillermoGoth2000 hold a discord Fortnite session for his “older cousin from Europe who acts like a 14-century vampiric warlord processed by the ghost of his mom to cope”, effectively adding to the number.

“I will not have my Jenna do the foolish act for any lonely male creature!” Nadja hisses and shields in front of her summer child like a mother hen after Guillermo’s inquiry. “Now go get ready for the Chippendales thing.”

Jenna squeals, pulling on her _Damn I’m A Sexy Bitch_ t-shirt. “Guillermo can you believe it? I’m going to drink from the guys with the bow ties!” 

It’s safe to say that Guillermo hasn't collected enough candidates yet.

During the process, one thing he has noticed— Guillermo wonders why it never crossed his mind so clearly before— is how truly _alone_ Nandor is. Anyone who’s on good terms with the gang is known either through Nadja or Laszlo, sometimes Guillermo too, or even Colin Robinson. It’s almost painful to think about. Once the winging vulture inflaming Euphrates with armies of terror, now burying himself beneath layers of shells and casings. A flightless Inaccessible Island rail, vulnerable but far too stubborn to admit his worries. 

“We could have talked with Simon’s old crew more often,” Guillermo suggests, leaning against the edge of Nandor’s desk. “It’s still not too late. I’m going to ask them for the favor anyway. Might as well, you know, make some acquaintances.”

His big, stupid immortal warrior snorts. 

“You are having very unsuitable ideas, Guillermo. I do not make _acquaintances_ ,” Nandor frowns. “I vanquish. I conquer. I drive people right into my arms with my hard and virile personality.”

“Okay?” Guillermo contests. “Name three people you’ve conquered with your _personality_.”

“I was intimate friends with Benjamin Franklin and George Washington—”

“Name three after the 1990s. Hypnosis doesn’t count.”

“Well, I will have you know,” the vampire stutters. “I had a friendly chat with Patrick Ewing once, at the 1992 summer Olympics afterparty, had a lot of fun back then… And our neighbour Sean, saw him waving at me standing in his yard sometimes. It was actually quite annoying...”

“And a third one?”

Nandor darts his eyes downward, voice getting smaller. “You count as the third one.”

“I don’t—” Guillermo gulps, feeling his cheeks heating up. “Not by how _virile_ you are, at least.” He whispers. 

During the short, awkward moment of silence, Guillermo quickly pushes himself straight on his feet and strides out the room in a frenzy. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Nandor dropping open his jaw for two or three seconds before screwing those lips shut again. 

_Clumsy._ He thinks to himself. _We both are._

-

The Leather Skins consists of many age-appropriate vampires for Nandor and Guillermo’s current need. However, most of them are lamentably unworkable. Guillermo is desperate, but still not desperate enough as to introduce anyone named _Freakfest Tony_ or _Evil Steve_ into their shared home. 

But Mr. 50s is different. He’s a good option for two major reasons. First of all, he has the strut, the swagger, the _appeal_ , the blade-sharp sideburns that attract the ladies and gents like Black-eyed Susans waving for bees. Guillermo wishes to know him personally. 

Secondly, he doesn’t talk a lot, which is a huge plus.

“ _So,_ ” Mama Nandor props up her son’s head, canting forward by the elbows. “ _Is he treating you well?_ ”

Mr. 50s silently lifts up his thumbs and shrugs. A strand of well greased hair bounces with his movement elegantly.

Vahide’s eyebrows arch for a short second, voice misty. “ _I like your style.”_

Mr. 50s nods without a word, flashing her a Biker’s Salute snappy enough to make Danny Zuko himself swoon.

“ _My son wears too many layers now. He wasn’t like this when he was little._ ” She gestures to the hem of Nandor’s coat. “ _Tell me, do you like all these?_ ”

The vampire turns his hands upside down. Mama Nandor turns to Guillermo. “ _He would look good in linen. Don’t you think so?_ ”

“Of course.”

“ _Or something… you know,_ ” She ogles long and hard at the other vampire’s leather jacket. “ _Something riskier. You ought to teach him a little, beautiful young man._ ”

 _Nandor would look good in leather._ Guillermo nods, scorning himself for still being so head-over-heels. Mr. 50s nods along, adjusting the bottom of his shades with his long, pale ring finger. Guillermo can swear that Mama Nandor’s face just blushed up a little.

“ _I like him the best._ ” She whispers, proving Guillermo’s point.

-

He is confronted by Nandor hours later, who’s carrying a tiny, scratched up post-it note in his hand covered in blocky inks. “TALKED TO YOUR HANDSOME LOVER PLEASE LEARN FROM HIM.” It reads. “YOUR GUILLERMO WOULD LIKE IT HE DROOLS AT YOUR HANDSOME HUSBAND.” Guillermo tries to explain that it’s not a poor attempt at counterfeit and he isn’t pushing anyone to be more à la mode, but Nandor only snuffles and curses something almost unintelligible while storming away. 

A red velvet jacket lies right by Nandor’s closet the next morning, when Guillermo went in to make sure his guiless mother isn’t daywalking. It’s crumpled into a small ball, as if someone has shoved the garment away due to embarrassment after trying it on. Guillermo picks it up and the dainty fabric slips between his fingers like warm spring clouds, before finally being smoothened and tucked away as if nothing ever occurred. But it did. How it did.

-

Count Rapula never ranks high enough on his candidate list for the sole reason that he talks too much, in direct contrast to his slightly more stylish friend. However, choices are running out and Guillermo does remember that they are in need of more than thirty people. So he presses the follow button for @Count_RapU2Nite’s Instagram page and eventually sends out the DM. How bad can it be, really, at least the man is artistic.

It turns out to be very, _very_ bad. 

As the Count stands before them, baseball cap pressed tight on his scalp, Guillermo recalls the rumor that Rapula started his hip-hop career after a mind-altering night at the movie premiere of Cool as Ice (1991) starring Vanilla Ice.

“I got power lines, clever designs,

My homeboy Nandor fresher than the Sea of Japan.

He want to climb this mountain,

Dink from this fountain.

Count Rapula is his final destination,” the vampire gestures at his bottom half completely unnecessarily. “For loving copulation.”

Guillermo wants to scream until the world ends. 

“ _Ah, artistic_ .” Mama Nandor nods. “ _Very openhearted. What is Japan_?”

“It’s where they have— beautiful open water. And uh, nattō?” Guillermo desperately mouths at Count Rapula to stop freestyling or reciting any verse he prepared for god-know-what-reasons.

“I have another one.” The vampire continues, ignoring his vigorous gestures of staking someone in the chest and slitting their throat.

Guillermo forces out an obsequious smile. “We don’t— we don’t need to hear another one.”

“ _Let him speak the refined words of poetry._ ” Vahide gestures heedfully at Count Rapula, who’s already adjusting his stance and getting ready. “ _Show me your grand artistry, my precious son in law._ ”

“Spitting straight fire, talent not for hire,

Sing the funeral choir for Simon the Liar.

Hair like Keira Knightley,

Beard like John Krasinski,

My main bitch Nandor got my whole heart dizzy.”

The room sinks into a dreary void of silence.

“ _What did you just call my son?_ ”

-

“I’m fine with Constantine pretending to be Nandor’s special man,” Jeremy says, wide-eyed. “As long as Guillermo’s fine with it. Can I be honest here? I don't actually know why he’s fine with it, letting my boyfriend sleep with his boyfriend.” 

He pauses to a voice from behind the camera.

“Oh, so they won’t actually have to do it?” Reconsidering the situation, Jeremy flattens his lips. “I’ll be honest— it’s his loss. It’s definitely Nandor’s loss.”

He smiles again, gesturing towards the kitchen. 

“Anyhow! You guys want more homemade ice cream?”

-

The Labours of Guillermo conclude as Arjan, Ange and Marcus roll into the house for a nice and aggression free heart-to-heart session, much to Laszlo’s dismay. Werewolves, just like puppies, are found out to be very easy to motivate once you locate the correct tools. After jawing about amity and honor and universal sympathy for thy fellow cryptids, Petco’s _Healthy Edibles Bacon Flavored Dog Bone Chews_ are the ones that eventually do the trick, and Vahide is pleased with such a diverse crowd.

The sky is dusking when Guillermo finally has the time to sit down and relax. The past few days have taken a massive toll on his already sleep deprived brain, leading up to the complete coalification of his mac & cheese dinner. He’s been standing close to too many vampires, each scaling him with rapacious eyes, debating if their fangs can outbear his rumored slayer blood. He hasn’t got a moment of peace.

Guillermo draws the curtains down and falls into a battered Bergère chair with a mug of dry Riesling, almost spilling the whole thing when a voice rings behind him.

“ _Guillermo_?”

“Nandor?” He rubs his eyes. “You’re up so early.”

The vampire shakes his head and strolls across the room to Guillermo’s side. He leans his shoulder against the wall, pulling up a soft, untroubled smile Guillermo rarely sees. “ _You are good for him._ ” 

“Huh?” Guillermo hesitates. “Mama Nandor?”

“ _Yes, my child._ ” The vampire nods. “ _You are good for my son. Does he know?_ ”

Guillermo is still a bit confused. “Does he know what?”

“ _Ah. There is no need to play daft with me, sweet baby. I can see things through his eyes._ ” Knowing it’s Nandor’s mom talking, hearing the man’s voice calling him _sweet_ still makes Guillermo’s heart flutter. “ _You are smitten with my idiot boy._ ”

“That’s… not true.” Guillermo gulps. 

Mama Nandor stares at him promptly, nearly pulling a sad puppy face. Guillermo can’t help but give in.

“Okay, maybe it’s true. Maybe I have a big, stupid crush on him. But don’t worry about it.” He darts his eyes away as the vampire raises an eyebrow. “He isn’t _smitten_ with me.”

Guillermo can’t remember when exactly he fell for the 750 year old oblivious asshole, but it couldn’t have been much effort on Nandor’s part. Not everyday a dark, handsome, broad-chested vampire rescues you from your Panera Bread cashier position, drains your least favorite shift manager to an inch of his life and promises you, well, eternity. 

And when it happened, Guillermo held on to it like a drowning man, gripping the uncertain hope no matter how squally the voyage had gotten. He likes being with him. He _loves_ him. Guillermo can’t figure out exactly why— falling for him is so painfully easy.

“ _My son,_ ” Vahide lifts up Nandor’s finger and taps at his forehead. “ _He was a kind boy. A lonely boy, too. Always by himself, sowing, talking to horses— He was not the smartest one. Wouldn’t let me trap the house rats until he was five, thought they were really tiny dogs._ ”

She pauses a bit, studying Guillermo's face carefully. “ _But you are smart. You take care of people, and my son needs his hand held._ ” Nandor’s voice starts to get lower. “ _Talk to him._ ”

“There really isn’t much to lose anyway, right?” Guillermo sighs defeatedly. “Maybe I’m just too tired. You really think he won’t freak out?”

“ _I haven’t been with him since a long time ago, Guillermo. I don’t know that. Like, look at these hands! Look how big they’ve gotten. He had soft little grabby hands before,_ ” The vampire raises up his forearms in wonder. “ _I have to go now. What do you have there? Alcohol?_ ”

“Don’t—”

Guillermo bounces up to stop Mama Nandor from taking his mug, but it’s unfortunately already too late. A shiny drop of white wine drools down from his lower lip and into his beard. 

Then that _switch_ happens. Guillermo can tell by his blank stare. His vampire is back.

Nandor blinks while Guillermo silently gapes at him, horrified. 

“What are you doing in front of my coffin while I sleep, Guillermo?” He frowns. “What is this weird taste in my mouth?”

-

When Nandor finally finishes puking blood, half of their backyard is splattered in red. Guillermo shushes and pats him gently on the back while Laszlo rages on and on about how they’ve bastardized his sumptuous shrub vulvas. The soft tremblings under his palms feel so vulnerable and honest.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be so hard, after all. 

-

Though it is mainly a relief, everyone seems a bit doleful on the day Mama Nandor is leaving. Nadja even admits that she’d miss having another sharp, intelligent woman in the house, after some in hour-long discussions about Soprano and kulning during the past few nights.

“ _Thank you for taking care of him_ ,” she whispers into Guillermo’s ear. “ _The rest of them are lovely, but all very, very useless otherwise._ ”

The no-longer cursed cape is peeled off the vampire’s shoulder and gently folded up. Guillermo decides to keep it for himself just a bit before stacking it away. The pelt is warm and the fur is still lush, while October is stepping closer and his bedroom is getting increasingly chilly.

“Your mom liked me.” Guillermo eyes at Nandor while mindlessly flipping through _The Salty Roads_ by Nalo Hopkins. He misses Vahide a lot at this very moment, like a timid little child misses the training wheels on their bike. “She liked me a lot, actually.”

Nandor is ambling up and down the library room, reciting the names of his favorite pets before and after the demise of Jahan. He pauses a beat, raising an eyebrow, not interrogating Guillermo’s statement but his motive.

“She made you persuade thirty-seven creatures, most of whom being vampires,” Nandor replies flatly. “To come out of their crypt and lie for me.”

“It was— fine.” Guillermo has accumulated enough blood and sweat and thereby deserves to tell a little white lie. “She just didn’t want you to be alone.” 

Nandor grumbles but doesn’t argue back. They should talk about what it actually means, Guillermo knows, about how he should let people inside and maybe wander around for in his cold, dead heart for a short while, about not being a scaredy cat regarding the concept of waving adieu and parting ways and potentially moving on. But that would take up quite some time, maybe hours or nights, maybe even longer.

Guillermo reckons that he also deserves something easier tonight, something for himself— for the troubles and all. 

Another hug, maybe. 

“Guillermo!” Nandor picks up his chin, still wrapping his head around the prompt. But he’s not _freaking out_ yet. His steps have moved from the corner of the room to the bookshelves to right across Guillermo’s laps, and he’s leaning down all so slightly and cautiously. A few minutes later they are on still a pretty good track, Guillermo decides, even after a short debate about who was the original victim and who was the might helping hand, about if either of them should be at least thankful and how much gratitude should the other one expect.

“Vahide hugged me with your body. So it’s hardly the first time.” Guillermo reasons, hoping to persuade him at last. 

“Alright, alright.” Nandor holds his hands, finally giving in. “Come here.”

So Guillermo walks into his arms. For the first few seconds he feels slightly stiffened, maybe a little awkward too, with the vampire’s chest latching too firm and too close against his collarbones like never before. However, when his body temperature starts to warm up the fabric on the other body, he eases himself more into the embrace, arms landing on Nandor’s waist because apparently they have ideas of their own— he is then riveted likewise.

They are clasping each other before he realizes it, and the room is wheeling and spiraling like the heart of a grand mystery finally being unraveled. Nandor’s nose brushes against his earlobe, pulling back as if he plans on letting go. But he doesn’t. A set of lips drag across his cheek and all of a sudden he sees half masted eyes shining beneath thick, batting lashes, beseeching and burning fierily. Guillermo clutches the back of Nandor’s coat and decides to never let go.

The vampire tastes like rain and honey. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! Title is from a song by Gogol Bordello. Kudos and comments are so so so welcomed >.< (again I apologize for responding to comments late recently!!! Trying to catch up QvQ)


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